'ole sucky

i am afraid to tell you that reading this entry will not bring joy, laughs, or even silly memories...but more of sadness and fear. these are two emotions that i do not like to admit but they remain to be haunting friends that will not go away. sadness because i wake up and feel i have no purpose. fear because i have no idea when or where i will get that job i love. god has continuously orchistrated my entire life. even when i did not trust him or at times think he didn't care, god continued to lead me...yes i have to admit i made him lead me from behind but he always had a plan. so why am i finding it so hard to believe in his plan now? i want to say i have never felt this way, but i know i must have sometime ago. terry and i washed our cars this weekend and the outcome was his truck looked brand spankin' new and mine looked like it had been spit washed...the outcome, a new name...'ole sucky. me and my car...'ole suckies. (you have to say it with that twangy and redneck alabama drawl to get the full affect of just how sucky we are!) deep in my heart i know that yes my car may in fact be 'ole sucky, but me, i am not. but i feel it. and that makes it real.

i don't want to cry anymore. i find myself asking what is causing those tears...sometimes it is because i don't feel like i am good enough at what i do, sometimes it is because if i have to teach one more elementary class i might lose it, but lately i cry because of my sin. my sin of not trusting god. my sin of wanting to wallow in self-pity. my sin of failure, faithlessness. my sin of self righteousness. my sin of thinking i actually deserve an incredible job. my sin of being human. and then a whole new wave of tears come and boy are they colossal...but not because of sin, but because of grace. tears that allow me to rejoice in the gospel. tears that allow me to stand in the face of my enemies with all the armor god dresses us with. but over and over again i become weak and all the armor it too heavy for my own strength and i fall. and once again i am caught in the "ole sucky cycle".

i read a novel called redeeming love just a few weeks ago and i seemed to have learned more from the author's biography than from the pages in the novel. she wrote romance novels before becoming a christian and was quite successful. but once she became a christian she couldn't find the words to do the one thing she loved and was gifted to do...write stories. she said she stuggled and struggled for what felt like forever. in the end god had restored her gift but it was not without a season of discipline (right mom!). this author had experieced discipline from god...god had to make sure that he was her first love and not her writing. now i have no idea if god is trying to teach me that same lesson, but i do know how it feels to love doing the work you were blessed to do. i love interior design. as i even write the words my sight becomes blurry. my tears are from the strongest desire i have to have a career in interior design. i love it. i know to many people i complained all last semester because of how much work i had to do, but i loved it, i do love it. so my ultimate desire: to praise god through this incredible gift he has given me. my ultimate question: when oh god, when?

so forgive me for being weary and sad. i pray it will not stay long. my heart was born to laugh and it is aching. i cannot wait until the day that this too is just a memory. until then...