my weight story

So I feel the need to write this. I have no idea why because it is more than slightly embarrassing. I take that back, I do know why I am writing this…because of Sarah. I don’t know her except through this blog world but I like her. More than just liking her and the words she writes, we share something in common. We both have a weight journey, story, history, whatever you want to call it. But because of her, she has inspired me to open up and write about it. You don’t have to read, but please bear with me as I write.

I have never had the “skinny” gene. In high school I wasn’t the skinniest, but I also didn’t worry about my weight that much because I was so involved in sports everything took care of itself. My freshman year at UGA was a big change. Because Athens is so hilly and I walked to every class, I started noticing that my pants fit differently. Then I noticed they fit a lot differently. I started going to the gym, sometimes twice a day, walking to all my classes, and barely eating 1000 calories. I had never been this person…and now I was.

It didn’t last long. I moved in to the ADPi house and slowly started gaining some of that weight back (I mean, have you had Mr. Fred’s sweet tea???). Though I was never big by society standards, I did get used to that feeling of being small and I wasn’t anymore. I had lost my motivation. After 4 years at UGA I moved to Birmingham where I met Terry. Once we got engaged I was determined to get my 155 pound self into the best shape of my life. And I did. Many say I was too skinny at 135 in my 5’-10” frame, but it felt fabulous. I felt like I could do anything. I felt beautiful.

Then, welcome to marriage my friends. It is so hard to admit that once I got married I let it slide. I had reached my pinnacle, I had my wedding photos to prove it but I was not willing to keep it up. I feel like I lied to Terry. I stood before him and promised him eternity but didn’t promise to keep myself physically in check. Now I know Terry doesn’t love me for what I look like, but it does hurt to think that he saw his wife that day as his eternal partner and now when he sees me, he sees someone different - physically.

So I gained weight. I went from 135 to 160 in a matter of 3 years. Then I got pregnant. The morning before I had Addison, I weighed 231. You do the math. I thought I was going to be embarrassed typing those numbers, but I am sad and in tears. I am truly, truly heartbroken. Heartbroken at the lack of discipline I had. Heartbroken that I could have put my unborn child’s life in danger. Heartbroken that I could not control myself.

In Addison’s first six months of life I went down 231 to 196. Most of that was baby weight and getting over pregnancy, but I least it was under 200. In January, when Addison was 7 months old, I joined weight watchers, reluctant that it would work. But it did, from January to June I went from 196 to 170.

And that is where the story ends. My goal was 145, but here I am, stuck at 171. To me, 171 still seems sooo big, but then, looking at where I have come, I feel so small. See my dilemma? I am comfortable, yet I am not. I am satisfied, but then I am not at all. I am realistic, I know that my wedding weight was not ‘”me”. But then again, this is not the “me” either. So I need your help, or maybe just words of encouragement and prayers. I am joining Sarah as I hit this last homestretch. Feel free to join, or just let me update you on my progress as I weigh in week to week. But more than anything, thank you for letting me share my story.